Posted by: cg00n | May 14, 2008

Head over heel

For no particular reason I got quite a nasty gut cramp last night, the kind you sometimes get with the ‘flu. It is probably because I can’t move around very much and often suffer from Irritable Bowel Syndrome anyway, but of course P and A were both feeling kind of jumpy. Could this be some drastic new turn that the cancer has taken? I doubt it very much but it gave me a bad night and I’m still kind of crampy today. I woke up around 11am feeling a bit miserable and I’m still not feeling as confident in the future as I was a few days ago. Why not?

Fundamentally this is all psychological. If I feel comfortable about the future, whatever it might contain, then I am OK. If not, not. So I think my focus for the next little while will be on techniques for finding peace and contentment regardless of my situation. I already practice a certain amount of Transcendental Meditation and some informal breathing exercises and I am planning to look into a Buddhist group that purportedly meets in Mahone Bay. Any suggestions for other things to try?

Of course another aspect of my state of mind is the Prozac I have been taking for many years to ward off anxiety and depression. When this whole mess exploded three weeks or so ago, in collusion with my family doctor, I doubled up my dosage. This alone is probably enough to explain quite a lot of my mental improvement since the first few days: I certainly cannot take credit for overcoming my fears by sheer force of personality. But there are limitations to the drugs and some (mild, in my case) side effects. I don’t want to rely on Good Drugs alone to see me through this.

One tiny little piece of good news today has helped give me a bit of a boost: the chest X-Ray from a couple of weeks ago apparently looked “really good”. I’m assuming that means “good for me” as opposed to “good for my doctor’s retirement plan”.


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