Posted by: cg00n | August 15, 2008

Crawling Forwards

Yesterday evening I felt so normal that I had hopes I had passed through this anxious patch.  Sadly it was not to be.  I am feeling and coping better day by day but there appears to be some ground yet to be covered.  By now I barely feel anxious.  I am tense and my stomach is in knots.  If I can get sufficiently focussed on a task (such as writing this posting) I almost forget to feel sick, but as soon as the program finishes I am back to feeling mildly cruddy.  It is like a very persistent, mild stomach ‘flu and it is very wearing.  However, I am sleeping well at night which is a real blessing.  I wish I was able to eat a little more though.  I have lost close to 15 pounds since late April and I’m running out of excuses for having my pants around my ankles.

Next Wednesday I am going to follow up (finally) on my intention to learn more about hypnotherapy.  When I called the one practitioner within a half-hour drive of home I got really good vibes.  Actually I left a message explaining that I wanted to try to alleviate my anxiety and would appreciate a call back ASAP.  He called back within the hour, commenting that he wouldn’t want to extend my anxiety by keeping me waiting, which I thought very kind.  After I had elaborated on my current condition and my attempts at self-treatment he sounded very positive about the prospects for improvement “by the end of the first session”.  Oh boy!  That would be wonderful! Bring it on!

I have also had a couple of long and productive conversations with P who has reminded me, for the Nth time, that I really should not take too much responsibility for the moods of those around me.  If everyone reacted the way I do there would be some sort of explosion due to emotive feedback.  My task is to get myself sorted out and leave it to P and A to cope:  to do anything else at this point is to invite really serious consequences.  I will really try to learn this lesson this time.

Meanwhile I am back to trying various ways to reduce my feelings of tension and stress.  Today I tried burning some adrenaline on the back yard.  There is no way one could seriously describe what we have as a garden or a lawn.  A forest glade might come a little closer.  It actually looks quite good in a semi-wild sort of way but like my hair it can easily get too shaggy.  I don’t want to buy yet another gas-powered machine keep it under control so I’ve got myself a scythe, courtesy of Lee Valley.  Today I assembled it and went forth to chop vegetation.  It was quite soothing, actually.  Although I am not very good at it I managed to find a fairly easy rhythmic action and took down a couple of weeks of grass growth in less than an hour.  Before you ask let me add that at no time during this process did I feel in any danger of injuring myself 🙂  A quick shower and a beer afterwards also helped to elevate my overall mood, but it is still not up the standards of last night.  I may try treating the symptoms with something along the lines of Alka Selzer:  if I could get my gut to calm down it would probably improve my state of mind.  What I think I could use is some kind of anti-andrenaline infusion.  Does anyone know if such a thing exists?

I hope you, my friends, are not finding my soul a bit too bare after my last couple of postings.  It really helps me to let it all hang out – only figuratively speaking, I assure you.  However I am perfectly capable of writing in such a way as to maintain the fig leaf of respectability if that helps us to communicate.  As always, I value your comments.



  1. Scythe, eh? Well, if you happen to join the local Scythe Owners’ Club, you may wish to stay away from anyone who TALKS LIKE THIS. 🙂

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