Posted by: cg00n | April 7, 2009

As Expected

The visit to the doctor today unfolded exactly as I pictured it.  None of the occult blood tests had shown anything sinister but my PSA level was rather higher than on the previous test.  So I explained what I thought had happened and apologized for wasting everyone’s time to which he commented that he rarely gets upset at a patient for having a healthy sex life.

Of course I still have to do the test again.

The last week or so (starting several days before I received the doctor’s summons) I’ve been feeling a bit blue with a little anxiety thrown in.  Mindfulness and meditation have been helping a lot.  On more than one occasion I have caught the little frisson of fear that usually precedes a period of panic and simply decided that it was interesting but not something I wanted to do, thank you very much.  This ability to separate myself from my thoughts and feelings (even to a very limited extent) has helped keep me on a pretty even keel through the rough bits of the last few days.  Yesterday I had an “ah hah!” moment as I realized that this sort of tense, nervous episode has been a part of my existence for a very long time.

As recently as  few years ago, when I was still working, I would have the occasional few days when I was all knotted up with emotion and I would have to spend a lot of time breathing deeply and forcing myself to relax in order to be able to get anything done.  In my university days the process felt a little different but it would result in a weekend staring blankly at walls and a few days following during which I would always be on the verge of tears.

Interesting to note that these micro-depressions have persisted through all the time I spent in various forms of counselling, through all the Prozac and even through the Clonazepam which I tried when this happened last August.  Even more interesting is that at the time I wrote:

This often lifts later in the day and seems to fit the pattern of a depression rather than an anxiety attack.

That would certainly explain why the Clonazepam doesn’t help.  However, the most significant thing about all this, from my point of view, is that I have finally convinced myself that these feelings have nothing at all to do with my health, or indeed any relation to reality (whatever that is) at all.

Now, that’s a liberating thought!



  1. Your thinking about the probabilty of depression vs anxiety makes sense. As you know better than I, anxirty is often asociated with depression. So if you assume chemical depression then it shold be possible to treat this with medications in a way that won’t interact with other parts of your chemistry The big plus you have is your wonderful engagement in the world around you, your energy of the mind, and – perhaps most important – your humour you seem to find in unexpected places………I had just dropprd in here as I thought it was a year ago I learned of your melanoma. Hugs from down the road from you. J

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