Posted by: cg00n | May 28, 2009

The day after yesterday

We all slept well, which is a Good Thing and at least leaves me able to think fairly coherently today.  You know, I’m sure some people must handle this sort of thing so much better than I do and I really envy them that ability but I am what I am.  Getting down on myself for being inadequate in some way is a recipe for disaster.

Getting through yesterday without extra drugs or major histrionics is a major boost to my confidence that I am doing the right things and heading in the right direction.  As I lay in bed (for most of the morning – nice to be retired!) I came to the conclusion that the thing I most want in my future is tranquility.  There is not a lot in the world that really excites me  – in fact I’d be hard put to find a single example these days – but I enjoy peace and quiet.  That’s why I wanted to move out of the city and I think that was the right decision.  Some of my most pleasurable time is spent doing very little:  sitting on the balcony feeling the wind and listening to the birds, walking along a beach looking at what the tide brought in, having a conversation with a friend.  I have no passionate desires that remain unfulfilled.  There are lots of little things I want to do:  more writing, more exploration around my new home, some books I want to read, much beer that requires consuming before it goes off … but nothing big.  In many ways I am very content with my life at present, on a day-at-a-time basis.  Where I find myself suffering is my imagined future which fills up so readily with pain, loss, deprivation and general badness.

If the suffering is taking place in my mind then the solution to the suffering lies there also.

Now, more than ever, I believe that I can find the peace and tranquility within myself.  At least, mostly.  I am not sure that I am strong enough to do this without some of the drugs I am taking but I want to keep those in reserve as far as possible.  Today, for example, it is very comforting to know that I can always swallow a clonazepam pill and feel the remaining anxiety blow away.  In fact, if the drugs actually reduce the amount of stress hormones in my body this might also help slow the growth of the cancer cells.

The rest of today I intend to spend reading, listening to mindfulness and Buddhist talks and (later) drinking.   I expect my mood will improve over the next few days.

Many thanks to those of you who sent me emails in response to yesterday’s posting.  Your encouragement, as always, is greatly appreciated!

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Responses

  1. Our thoughts, as always, are with you.

    Diane, Rick and Danica

  2. Our thoughts and prayers are with you, Patsy and Ashley. I will be following.

    Sylvia & Ben

  3. My thoughts are with you and positive thinking is the right cure. One day at a time is a refreshing breeze of reality. You are right to fill your days with the things that please you and the rest comes together. You are not the same person that you were thirteen months ago, you are so much better. I spoke to a lady last evening that is going through similar circumstances and her smile was one of the most beautiful things that I have experienced in a long time. She told me that she looks at life so differently and treasures every moment.
    Kim

  4. My thoughts and prayers are with you, Bob, and will have a beer tonight with dinner while thinking of you.


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