Posted by: cg00n | July 14, 2009

What a Ghastly Day

I started feeling sad early last week and by the time of my previous posting I was pretty sure I had dipped into a mild depression.  Since then things have continued on a downhill course.  Usually these episodes blow over in about a week or so with the symptoms getting milder as time goes by.  Not this time.

The last couple of days have been very wearing:  lots of negative thoughts, a hammering pulse and a slow, heavy feeling to my body.  Yesterday I dealt with it (as best I could) mindfully.  I lay on the bed for literally hours just paying attention to my breathing.  This was very calming and by late afternoon I was capable of  rather more demanding activities, such as eating dinner and talking to P.  Today I just couldn’t do it any more:  just too tired and discouraged.  I nearly posted an entry to this blog asking for advice on how to end my suffering once and for all but eventually decided to send a cry for help to just a few friends (and got some very supportive responses – thank you!).

P was really not sure what to do for me which obviously distressed her a good deal.  We discussed heading for an emergency room to see if they had a magic bullet of some kind.  Before we got that far, though, she figured out what was going on.  Having noticed that I was shaking and perspiring she commented that my symptoms looked a lot more like anxiety than depression.  So I took a clonazepam pill and twenty minutes later the agony was more or less over.

In retrospect I should have been able to figure that out for myself but sometimes when I’m in the middle of a mental meltdown it is hard to think coherently.  The sequence of events seems to be:

  1. I start off mildly depressed
  2. Something triggers additional sadness and further depression
  3. If this persists for a few days I start to get worried that it is permanent
  4. The worry eventually induces anxiety which feeds on itself.

Obviously I need to tune into these stages more effectively because I’ve got good drugs for the anxiety and that is by far the worst part; like a secondary infection.

Today was an exercise in unnecessary rending of clothes, tearing of hair and wailing and crying.  It was very tiring for both of us and very frightening for me, at least.  I really must learn not to do that again.

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Responses

  1. Thanks for sharing. What you are experiencing is challenging on every level.

  2. So it sounds to me like by the time you want a magic pill to get out of the depression, you should take a clonazepam. That seems like it is the magic bullet.


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