Posted by: cg00n | August 7, 2009

Being Content

P and I have talked a lot about contentment lately.  I find it to be an elusive state.  With all the good things I’ve got, all the counselors I’ve consulted and all the self-help books I’ve read I still find it hard to be content.  The discontent generally manifests as something like a little voice in my head telling me

  • I should be doing something useful
  • I don’t do enough for other people
  • I lack the capacity to do certain things
  • I’m really not very good at anything

It goes on and on.  Mindfulness meditation helps to shut down the noise but it reappears all too quickly.  So, I have taken the somewhat trite step of writing myself a sort of confirmation affirmation slogan:

I am a good, creative and intelligent person, I have no reason to feel guilty or inadequate, I deserve my share of happiness and I am here because I choose to live.

Intellectually I believe those things (and many other good things too) about myself but my emotional self seems to have a hard time with it.  Today I got P to sit with me while I looked her straight in the eye and recited that little mantra.  I cried while I was saying it but after the third or fourth time I was feeling a bit lighter and that has persisted all afternoon.  Doesn’t that sound soppy?  I really don’t know why I find this so hard but I think it underlies much of my unhappiness and I really want to clear it up.  Perhaps I’ll schedule another session with the hypnotherapist and see if he can help pound it into my brain.

Meanwhile, physically I continue to heal and to get stronger.  The VONs (Victorian Order of Nurses – the home care people) are coming by every couple of days to change dressings and check for any sign of infection.  Everything is looking good at present and there is much less drainage from the wounds than there was a few days back.  Sometime next week the nurse will remove the rest of the staples from my groin and from the skin grafts.  This sounds much more scary than it is and doesn’t actually hurt all that much.  The searing pain I spoke of earlier is now much more muted although it still forces me to move quite slowly and carefully.  I can get around on the walker but I tire quickly so I haven’t ventured far from my bed since I got home.  P is feeding me well and I seem to be gaining a little weight once more.  I can smell the Moroccan chicken cooking downstairs and my mouth is watering!  Probably time I went in search of food.

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Responses

  1. I SO identify with this post! Thank you SO much!

    -MM

  2. Thanks for sharing … life is a process or a journey. Life is simply not a box of chocolates though sometimes chocolate does help 🙂
    My father is sitting near by and he agrees it is no fun being sick despite his illness having introduced him to many people he now considers friends. Thankfully you have P & A to support you in the low times and to share your contentment/joy in the better times.

  3. You definitely do deserve your share of happiness, and our lives are much, much better for knowing you and P. We’d kind of like to keep you around for a while longer.

    Living as I do, with the spectre of a potentially life-threatening (or at the very least disabling) condition hovering in my brain, I tend to enjoy the hell out of every day, and thank the people who have made my life worthwhile.


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