Posted by: cg00n | April 29, 2010

Just can’t beat those blues

Here I am again, all shaky and rattled if not actually rolled.  We found a second lump last night which leads to the obvious question:  how many more are ready to come out of hiding?  Anxiety settled in with a thump.  Even dropping the story line isn’t helping much right now.  I’ve taken half a Clonazepam this morning and it has certainly helped although I am rather dopey now.   If I close my eyes I can almost sleep and most of my thoughts are just the usual random bits and pieces that flow through a drowsy mind but the occasional one, which may be perfectly innocuous, causes a burst of fear.  The anxious feeling is a sort of nameless, formless dread that seems able to take the shape of my biggest fear at any moment.

Do you suppose it is possible to pick apart the formless dread?  That it is made up of many smaller, more specific fears?  Maybe then I could try to deal with them one at a time thus reducing the overall potency.  On the other hand this may just be the way I’m wired:  with a low anxiety threshold.  If that’s the case I have to deal with it all at once which, for now at least, basically means drugs.  At least I’m not totally incapacitated by all this.  I’m coping.

Am I boring you yet?  I know this all sounds very self-indulgent but then this blog is supposed to be as much for my benefit as anyone else’s.  Still, I’d like to keep it interesting and informative for others so let me know what you think.



  1. Not bored. Hang in there.

    p.s. How far are you from St. John? (I mean as far as ability to get there). I’m going to be in town at a conference May 15-20

  2. Not bored, either.
    BTW, I don’t find it in the least surprising that you get anxious about something that is a threat to your life. We are hard-wired not to want to let go of it without a fight.

  3. Hang in there. You are supposed to be anxious about this-its a natural response. You should be seeing the doctor sooner rather than later.

  4. Melanoma is a persistent SOB. Sometimes I like Ian’s approach of wanting to beat the SH– out of cancer … once and for all. His language may be more graphic. He’s coming to talk to my nursing class in June … if you were here you could do a dog & pony show together. The ying and yang of melanoma, or something like that.

    Hang in there and get seen as soon as possible. It is always easier to deal with the “known” rather than the larger than life looming fear of uncertainty.

  5. Never boring, B. Always informative. Now we have a new situation in our own family regarding the strongest caregiver for my brother who lies dying in a nursing home near my residence. His eldest daughter recently hit bottom in her capacity for compassion and outstanding management. Stressed out, now she suddenly lacks energy to function. She is depressed and prone to sleeping. We are deeply concerned. Human strength to deal with grave problems is indeed limited. We need to know all we can about these situations. Never boring. Keep on fighting with an army of well wishes behind you. Helen

  6. Ever wanted to be an object lesson? Once Kurt’s business cards referred to him thus.

    Bad joke. At the root, however, is that you are teaching us ways of dealing with the unexpected, showing us various paths such coping might take, and which have not worked.

    This is valuable. Some of us will unconsciously tuck the info away for justincase.

    Of course, to someone along that path right now, you are providing invaluable support and feeling that that person is not in it alone, that someone else knows exactly/closely what they deal with.

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