Posted by: cg00n | June 30, 2010

Shakin’ all over

You can always tell when I’m not feeling too good:  the blog posts come thick and fast.  One would have thought that yesterday’s prompt action with associated probably good news would get me nicely back on the rails, but NO such luck.

I woke up about 07:30 feeling a bit agitated.  After an hour or so of trying various mindfulness and relaxation exercises it was time to try the chemicals.  One quarter of a Clonazepam had a noticeable effect so I stayed with the unpleasantness for a while longer.  There was a point where I was shivering so I bundled up a bit.  Not long after I was sweating and my stomach was full of butterflies.  Unlike some other recent anxious episodes there seemed to be no particular trigger, no “story” that I could drop.  The thoughts running through my mind were pretty random but had a grotesque, nightmarish quality to them.

Another quarter Clonazepam produced a further improvement and I continued to do my best to just watch the machinations of my mind without getting drawn in.  My heart pounded in rapid time and it seemed essential to keep moving, almost writhing.  I’ve had similar sensations during a bad bout of ‘flu; maybe some of you can identify with that.  Any little event produced a new burst of panic:  the sound of a car on the road, perhaps announcing P‘s return.  What’s so scary about that?  It seems as though I am afraid that she will be angry or disappointed or even just upset that I am in such a bad state for no apparent reason.  There is no logic to this.  It is like my brain has entered a whole new state where I perceive the world entirely differently than I would normally.  Everything is a threat, all sounds take on sinister overtones, reality is totally overwhelming but there is no way to shut it out.

After another hour or so I went for a third quarter Clonazepam.  After 20 minutes or so my heart rate had subsided to something approaching normal, my stomach had expelled the butterflies and the world resumed normal proportions.  I am still a bit shaky but (I hope you’ll agree) reasonably coherent.  P just arrived home and I barely twitched – a good sign.

All this triggered off by a little lump that may be completely benign leaves me wondering if this is as bad as it gets or can I expect worse when I get really sick?  This is not a good way to start the day.

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Responses

  1. This must have been so difficult to live through. I think panic attacks, anxiety and depression are must worse than many other illnesses. They seem to strike at the very soul of who we are and decieve all our other body systems to react. I felt relieved when I read to the end and you’d found your core, or inner rock again. You are a strong person to be able to understand yourself and your symptoms so well, and come out on the other side within a relatively short time.

  2. We’re still here with you….

  3. Katy, Thanks for the reminder! It is tremendously encouraging to get the feedback and to feel the love and support of my friends.

    BTW, I’ve stopped shaking now 🙂 Life is more or less back to what passes for “normal”.

    Love to all.

  4. Thinking of you, especially this week.


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