Posted by: cg00n | August 31, 2010

One small lump at a time

My leg is slowly being forced to replace itself, one small lump at a time.  Yesterday I found two new lumps.  It’s funny how this goes:  I check my leg almost every day and then suddenly find something I would have expected to have noticed earlier.  There must be some sort of threshold effect at work.  Slightly below a certain elevation and I don’t notice the lump.  As soon as it clears the threshold I can’t miss it.

Thanks, once again, to the offices of the good Dr. M I was able to get the things removed a mere 27 hours after I found them.  It might have been quicker with a bottle of vodka and an Xacto knife but I’m not sure about that.  As usual, the surgery was essentially painless and the lumps are now on their way to a pathologist who will presumably do something pathological with them and let me know the results.  Dr. M thought they looked like insect bites which they do, actually, until they develop a bit more.  However I am pretty convinced that this was no false alarm.  Both were below the knee and so do not represent any apparent advancement towards my trunk.

Coping with this emotionally is still a difficult process.  After discovering them yesterday morning I found myself getting shaky and anxious so I popped a little extra Clonazepam to help myself calm down.  This morning I awoke around 8am (early for me) and recognized the early warning signs of an anxiety attack.  After employing my best efforts to ward this off with meditation and physical calming techniques I once again succumbed to the lure of the little pink pills.  It took most of the morning before the anxiety really dissipated although I have noticed that, these days, the physical symptoms (hot/cold sensations, rapid pulse rate, slight nausea) take longer to dissipate than the mental ones.  This does make the whole experience rather less distressing than it used to be.

When we made it home around 3:30pm I just lay down and dozed for about two and a half hours.  It would be interesting to know how much of my fatigue was due to the anxiety and stress of the last 24 hours and how much to general sloth and torpor.

P, as usual, has been an invaluable supporter.  She called Dr. M’s office yesterday and talked them into this rapid response, re-arranged her own doctor’s appointment, drove me there, made sure I got some food afterwards (I didn’t feel like eating before) and drove me home again.  If it weren’t for her I’d probably have just given up on life by now.  I try to pull my weight in this relationship but there are many times when it feels like I am not doing nearly enough.  Thanks, P!

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Enough for now. Raise a glass of wine to my health … and your own!

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Responses

  1. I may choose assisted suicide *in advance* if I should find myself in circumstances where my mind will be the most affected: major stroke leaving me vegetative or severely mentally diminished, dementia, Alzheimer’s or brain tumor/cancer It pains me even now to think of the psossibility of my mind going away gradually.

    What other people choose for themselves alone is none of my business, save to say goodbye one last time, or to help make them as comfortable as I can in what time they have left.

  2. Take a deep breath, some xanax and a little bit of wine. Watch a show that takes you far away it is healing-whether it is a movie or the travel channel it seems to get you to focus on something better-all the while eating popcorn or something sinister-lol hang in there just keep catching those bothersome lumps and go on. You are doing marvelous and your blog is too!
    randi

  3. I’m all for prescribed wine treatments and would forgo the whiskey and exacto knife combo. You do come up with the most interesting suggestions. Glad to hear that you had immediate removal of the lumps and that P is holding you up when you can’t quite manage it. Now if we all searched for lumps as deligently as you are now, we’d likely be catching everything early and be an almost melanoma free society! But then I hear of even famous people with sore throats for months who are misdiagnosed.

  4. Hugs and happy thoughts! To both you and P. Best I can do from all the way over here.

  5. Wish I could visit and raise a glass or two with you. Hope Earl didn’t faze you folks.

    Have fun!!
    Rick


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